I want so much to write about holidays and community and I hardly know where to start. “Holiday” parties at work; people spending time with family, or not, and wishing they were; others feeling obligated to be with family and wishing they didn’t; Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday long past; Facebook full of Christmas greetings – serious wishes and sarcastic parodies; and now, here in the PNW, it’s snowing. It looks like that sentimental dream of a white Christmas may happen for us this year. And I find all of it oppressive. Christmas is a religious holiday but it has been usurped by corporate America as a way to get people to buy things they haven’t been willing to or interested in buying the whole rest of the year. (Why do you think they call it Black Friday? It’s practically your duty as an American to spend a lot of money!) And even those who don’t succumb to the celebration of a religious tradition they don’t actually believe in or who resist the commercialism of the holiday, still speak of the time as one to gather friends and family close, to renew hope for the future, and spread general good cheer. To all of that, I say Bah Humbug!
Now, I consider myself a very spiritually focused person who tries always to be conscious of and grateful for all that I have; to love and cherish my friends and chosen family; to give to those less fortunate; and to be of general good cheer. But one does not need to celebrate, nor even recognize, Christmas to be that sort of person! So the assumption that I, because I’m American, I guess, will celebrate Christmas just like the rest of you, feels oppressive. As a matter of fact, I think it may be the ultimate ‘micro-aggression’! That one, banal question, as we approach the day - “Are you ready for Christmas?” - says it all. Because, of course, there is much to do – shop for and wrap presents, put up the tree and decorate the house, bake cookies, plan and prepare for your celebration. But if you don’t celebrate (for whatever reason), there is no answer to that question. I’ve tried to come up with something for many years, but unless you are Jewish or Muslim, (at least most Americans sort of understand that Christmas is not part of their religious beliefs) there is no easy way to say that you don’t celebrate Christmas. You may as well say, “I’m not an American” or “I worship the devil” for the confused gapes you get! And, of course, this is made even more difficult by the fact that many non-Christians in this country celebrate at least a secular version of Christmas. There is just no room for those of us who prefer not to engage in either a pseudo-religious or a commercialized celebration of this annual holiday.
Truth be told, it’s not that I don’t want to be part of a celebratory time when people are gathering loved ones close and sharing good cheer. But it’s hard for me. I have lived far away from my bio-family for most of my life, and never felt that close to them anyway. And being such an introvert and a loner, I have not developed a ‘found family’ that functions as a group of people who get together for celebrations – of any sort. For rituals and celebrations, I tend to feel most comfortable in those small, rag-tag groups of like-minded and like-hearted individuals who are bound by a single event or who have no other place to go. I can easily love the young artist who is unsure of her place in the world, the new friend fresh from a divorce, the introverted neighbor who longs for conversation but gets nervous when it goes on for too long, the sisters who too recently lost their parents, even the school acquaintance who is curious and willing to stretch themselves into a new idea of community. Because in those moments we are truly celebrating what is real. We are willing to be together in a way that is fresh and new. We are curious about each other. We feel safe to talk about hard things. We can tell stories that others don’t want to hear – or have already heard. Maybe it’s because we don’t have the history of roles and expectations, anger or guilt, one-upmanship or not-good-enough, to get in the way of being together as our real selves. I don’t know. But I know I have experienced these times as refreshing, celebratory, and full of love.
When I began this post, I didn’t really know where it would end up. But I here I am. I want to challenge you all to consider truly opening your arms to those outside the comfort of your family. It’s more than making sure “those less fortunate” have a turkey for Thanksgiving (which has its own downside) or gifts under the Christmas tree. It’s more than inviting that solitary friend to join you in your family celebration. It’s not just extending your traditional celebration to include others. It’s about understanding that those others may not want to be part of that traditional celebration but may long for community and connection that works for them. To believe that the only way to connect with those others is to bring them into your circle of tradition, comfort, and familiarity is to simply push them further away when they don’t fit. And certainly, to feel pity for those who have no one is to bring their pain and loneliness into sharp relief. There has to be a different way.
I do not wish to take anything away from those Christians who find real spiritual value in the celebration of the birth of the god they worship. It is truly a beautiful story and should not be diminished by drunken holiday parties, excessive commercialism, or eating more sweets than any one person needs in a year. But I do wish we, as an inclusive society, could come up with a focus for a national celebration that does not belong more to the alt-right, the fundamentalists, and the rigid anti-diversity forces in this country than it does to the humanist, secular, progressive, loving Christian and non-Christian spiritual believers I would rather align with. If we wish to bring light to the darkness at this time of year, perhaps we could consider celebrating a natural phenomenon like the Winter Solstice – an event that does not exclude anyone on this planet. It would be a great time to gather friends and family close, to renew hope for the future, and spread general good cheer!
